Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with.

   The Cosby Show. Where are they now? As far away from Billy Cosby as they can get. . .

   Maybe I was born with it. Maybe its Krispy Kreme

   Coldest winter weather in recorded history. In two short years the President has fixed global warming.

   You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I'm older than the Internet.

   53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   I bet nobody can spell Nietzsche correctly without searching it. D'oh

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   Silence is golden… unless you have a toddler. Then in that case silence is very very suspiscious.

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   Hey America, which ever side wins the Syrian civil war will be chanting "death to America" soon after so save your bombs and missiles for something that matters.

   if carrots are so good for your eyes, then why are there dead rabbits all over the road?

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.