Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

   Dear god I love you and always will..but can you explain one thing to me :::: Mosquitos ...WHY..???

   ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ scratch and you can win free cats for life

   If I'm going to go to the trouble of wishing your sorry, unknown, only 87 friends a$$ a happy birthday, the least you could do is acknowledge it with a "like".

   if you want to post akward moment jokes and not have it redirect spell "akward wrong"

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   I hate people that eat like there's no tomorrow and don't get fat.

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements ツ

   ♫♪ It's a quarter after one; I'm a little drunk and I need you now....♪♫ Sounds just a tad better than it's 1:15, I'm Trashed & Horny let's get busy...

   thought "John & Kate Plus 8" sounded like a porno-- Now, definitely, "Kate Plus 8" really sounds like one.

   used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he's good at everything.

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   I got my drug dealer $200 for Christmas and he got me a big bag of weed.

   Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter.

   African mother to her child: "You better be happy you're that skinny, there's fat kids in America that wish they were as skinny as you!"

   That spicy tuna roll I ate last night gave me HOTHOLE

   "The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles."