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The difference between love and lust is one letter: hotel vs. motel 
FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers
Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.
True story: one time I said "excuse me" to my own reflection into a glass door headed back into the bar
Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.
Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.
how mad will you be when you find out all the herbs and spices in kfc is just salt
Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....
..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!
People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!
My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" - my dinner.
thinks the new myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... way to be consistent myspace
If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.
would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...
Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....
Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican
If i'm ever sleeping and a bunch of Zs start coming out of my head, please call a doctor.
Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison
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