Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My watch died at 11:30pm last night... It was the most incredible night of my life. At 3:00am I was still thinking it was 11:30. I was like "OMG the night still so young!!!!!" And kept on drinking... Yeah, I got home at 11:30pm, good girl!

   The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen

   Do you want to mourn Steve Jobs? - There's an app for that, only $4.99 for the first month.

   3/17/2011 - 3/20/11 RIP - My NCAA Tournament Bracket

   I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter's date. ..then I told him it's much faster after 11pm

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   Interview Tip: wear your tie around your head like rambo so they know you're serious about business

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??

   K-mart is starting their Halloween sale. They have a lovely selection of Christmas trees.

   how about a game of "just the tip"??

   that a person who really loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everoyone else still believes in the smile on your face

   Never recycle a past relationship. Because if it didn't work out before, what makes you think it would this time?

   Lindsay Lohan is so dumb that she wanted to move to Afghanistan......because she heard girls could get stoned there.

   . "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

   It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have a gun and need it

   She's fat, I'm drunk, IT'S ON!

   throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping

   Wondering, Don't you idiot Desert Dwellers realize Americans are watching Football today and could give a $hit less about your protest.. @wasteofenergy

   So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that?