Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Last night I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted...

   FOX News is reporting that 19 of those Arkansas birds were members of Al-Qaeda

   The original plan for Mount Rushmore was to have them all making out with each other.

   Didn't Paul Ryan play the part of Eddie Munster ?

   Yes a few rounds being dumped into your back is above and beyond excessive force. And murder. But once again, it's very simple, if you comply, you don't die... Pants Up Don't Loot!!!

   The kids outside my window have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Im not an angry person...but that chick singing christmas carols in the hyundai commercial makes me want to punch a sleeping baby in the face!!!!

   If a woman accidentally poops while wearing a thong, is that considered a "log splitter"?

   I hate when couples say "I love you." after just a week of dating. Ignorant fools. Makes me want to slap them in the face.

   When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far and no one can ever tear them apart.

   saw a nun in a wheelchair and all I could think.. Virgin Mobile.

   Laughter is the best medicine. But laugh for no reason and you need medicine.

   I was editing my profile and couldnt figure whether to put masturbation under activites or interests.

   Snooki's pregnant...? Finding the father is gonna be harder than finding Waldo, but I bet Waldo fuck$d her too anyway.

   Found out today you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help.

   Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy: Read instructions again.

   I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   sick of all this Osama Bin Laden news already - OK, he'd gone, great. What do I have to do to get a Charlie Sheen update?!!

   You really do need to quite teasing my with these pokes