Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking!

   Picking out an appropiate outfit for a Rapture is so frustrating....and I don't even want to get into picking the right accesories...

   i dont mind walking past bushes alone on a dark night. What I do mind is when people start jumping out of them

   In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.

   I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

   I'm so glad girls haven't figured out the power they wield just by greeting me with "Hey you."

   Lets extend a warm 'Welcome Back' to our Blackberry friends who were momentarily lost in the technology wilderness for the past 20 Hours.

   I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call them Killer Whales and not Sea Pandas?

   For some people freedom is like spring animals seeing the light.

   A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!

   It's called "Independence Day" not "Dependence Day" for a reason

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...

   A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?

   Ironically, Madonna's offer to Hillary Voters was the same one Amy Schumer made to her producers to get her comedy show in the first place.

   The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.

   I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

   I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

   Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

   If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.