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I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim 
If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.
The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
“Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.
A restraining order is kinda like a love note right?
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Of course I still stalk you online I'm just making sure I don't miss the moment when karma finds you
I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.
Dogs are a man's best friend because they don't talk.
Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!
There is nothing more painful than watching the new girl make the sandwiches at Subways.
Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.
Technically, we're all half centaur.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.
Well, I guess it's time to go apologize to my neighbors...
I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.
Facebook Myth: Once you post 20 or more selfies, your relationship status automatically changes to, “In a relationship with myself”
There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic. 