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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster. 
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.
[Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.
[Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.
New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.
The Mannaquin Challenge isn't new. Some of you have been standing around doing nothing your whole lives.....
Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.
Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who didn't get an answer to the question you didn't hear her ask from upstairs
Generic Frosted Flakes are Oooooooookay!
I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.
Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.
"Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.
Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy.
She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?" 