Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Million dollar idea: Combine a vacuum and a Segway.

   At least broken people are interesting. You can't fix boring...

   asked the good folks a the pizza hut to NOT slice my pizza, my diet only allows for one piece!!

   looking to trade a 9x13 Tupperware bowl for a 13x9 Tupperware bowl. The 9x13 is just to long to fit in my Microwave Oven.

   I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.

   My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection

   Normal people are the crazy psychos who hide it very well!

   You know I can't stay mad at you masturbation sock!!

   I haven't had this many women fawning over me since the day I came home from the hospital as a newborn.

   That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.

   What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?

   We are building a fence and I'm gonna make my neighbors pay for it.

   With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .

   So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?

   Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!

   ... So Hillary invites the father of the Orlando Gay Nightclub murderer to sit behind her at her rally! Heck ... least she could have done is asked him to wear shades to hide his identity. Hmm REALLY BEGINNING TO QUESTION HER Ability to represent America

   “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ― George Carlin

   Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours? Me: The babysitter

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry

   My get up and go attitude got up and left me