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Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mu-FASA 
Got kicked out of another restaurant this afternoon for breast feeding. Hey - when my husband wants titty, he wants titty.....
It's amazing how dudes can take care of Jordan's, but can't take care of a woman.
When asked about ISIS yesterday, Obama said, "We will double our efforts..." Hmmm... If my math is correct... Nothing x Nothing is still Nothing!
I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.
I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?
not a complete idiot, some pieces are missing!
just passed a Leopluradon on his/her way to Candy Mountain
It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook, how could you choose your toys over me! I HOPE YOUR BATTERIES DIE! >:(
What's the definition of a missed opportunity? Not introducing Michael Jackson to Justin bieber before he died.
My wife and I have sex DOGGY STYLE..... I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead!
BF slid his hand in my panties & thinks I'm instantly turned on but I don't have the heart to tell him I sneezed earlier & peed myself a bit
"when I made the dress I used gold and white fabric" - Brian Williams
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even
Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.
makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.
I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?
Sorry, but I prefer the 8lb, 6 oz prince who wrote "When Doves Cry."
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