Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Remember Snooki? Yeah me neither, it's like she disappeared! That's because she went back to her real name, Danny Devito... 😂

   Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time

   when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   I don't have tattoos for the same reason I don't have children -- I'm afraid if someone tells me they're ugly, I won't want them anymore.

   So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?

   Why can't all cable and satellite companies put the tv stations on the same damn channel??

   Even Vince McMahon thinks nascar races are fake...

   Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.

   I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   There are times when Facebook makes you thankful for distance.

   Not a good idea to Text/tweet and walk at the same time. Trust me, the pole is closer than you think...

   I want to donkey punch ignorant people

   Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass

   thankful for the makers of Lysol

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think...

   transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!