Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" " He goes, "No, arthritis."

   So... you think you're so cool because you've made it into triple digits in candy crush huh? Yeah let that sink in.

   Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your ass.

   Ever have one of those days where stopping for 1 beer turns into 5; turns into 12, turns into I haven't seen my family in 4 days?

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that's why we have a problem.

   It takes approximately 6 hours for a woman to find a ringing phone in her handbag.

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

   Music is my Escape from all the Bullsh!t in Life!!!

   I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone.

   Not ALL of B EGO's shtuff is funny, but I've seen quite a few good ones from him. We all bomb once in a while. :)

   I shall judge you based upon my personal demons against an unattainable standard while belittling you for not living up to my expectations.

   Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.

   Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   has plenty of girls who can suck, he's looking for the one who can blow his mind

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   I'm not saying I'm lonely, but sometimes I call random numbers for human contact.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. The affordable way to buy your daughter that Pony she always wanted.

   I really wasn't planning on drinking all that beer this evening. The pretzels made me do it.

   a woman a day keeps the hand away