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I've had 4 cups of coffee in the past hour and now I look like I have Parkinson's. 
The day I get my license is the day you get hit by a car.
Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!
had a DNA paternity test done on my dogs new puppies....Turns out they all belong to Arnold Schwarzenegger. ツ
BREAKING: The Washington Redskins, due to the embarrassing nature of their name, have decided to remove the "Washington" from it.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.
Black lies Murder ....
Schiff is like a boil on the ass of democracy.
My leg fell asleep; so this means I qualify for handicap parking right?
Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself....Especially when that something is spreading herpes or glitter
Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.
have I told you lately that I love you....? No? thats because I can't handle your miserable, twisted, soul destroying face anymore! Oh and by the way....I'm telling someone else I love them while you pack!
the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
It ain't rocket science folks, women LOVE douchebags.
There's a woman in New Jersey that has a rare medical condition that makes her have 100's of unwanted orgasims. She has 100's of orgasims a day and is still complaining. That just proves women are never happy
so poor that he can't even pay attention
Who are your favorite underground artists?? Mine are Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston
"Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan has to ride seven miles a day with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of two dollars and we will send you the video its hilarious."
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