Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...

   The sworn responsibility of the President of the United States is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Question: When was the last time you heard any of the candidates even mention the Constitution?

   Olive Garden didn't treat me like family. If they did they would've blown cigarette smoke in my face and told me what a disappointment I am.

   Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

   Request to Disneyland to have a 101 Dalmatians attraction where you literally just sit in a room surrounded by 101 Dalmation puppies.

   The Democratic Party presidential race is not yet over, there are still more primaries: Washington, D.C. on June 14th. Gotham City on June 18th. Atlantis on June 22nd. Sim City on June 26th. Mordor on July 1st.

   For lent I'm giving up my valentine ;-)

   Dammit doc... Go ahead, add another mental condition on to the list... I'm sure my liver is excited to find out about all the new meds I'm gonna get..

   knows a relationship is going well when she feels comfortable taking a crap at his place.

   Definition of irony. Midget porn on the top shelf.

   Whenever I feel like cleaning, I lie down and the feeling goes away.

   We're all our own worst critics, except for you, I'm your worst critic.

   "She's one hot mess" means "She's bat $hit crazy, but I'd do her!"

   It's not the followers count that matters, but a few lovely people among those who make it their life to make you felt loved.

   I'm hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

   I'm not Unemployed, I'm just taking my next job's vacation in advance...

   Any time I listen to Charles Barkley commentate, I struggle to determine if he is talking about a basketball game or the lunch crowd at Burger King.

   Writing a poem for my ex. What rhymes with 'I think I got herpes from your sister'?