Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, does that make it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

   if you have to use a snapchat filter for over half of your Facebook pictures, you know you're ugly

   Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal.

   Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.

   At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs

   I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

   I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in front of everyone in the grocery store.

   Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.

   When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.

   Some Warning Labels are a little stupid, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   The United Kingdom will exit the European Union and have agreed to start seeing other countries, like the United States.