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When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with. 
What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.
"Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?
I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.
Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease
Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.
Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.
Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent.
It rained here in Arizona today, but it was a dry rain.😛
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I really hope the Covid-19 virus can't be spread from kissing butt.
I'm ready for summer!
My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Gave up alcohol and coffee the past 2 weeks and was rewarded with a cold. So much for healthy choices 👎🏻
If you rely on the news to tell you it’s cold and to put a jacket on than I feel sorry for you.
Belichick= Spygate. Brady= Deflategate. Kraft= Tailgate
'Sometimes, being hurt too many times, doesn't make you stronger, it destroy who you were, who you wanted to be and makes who you are today.''
Demi Moore is French for half a Moore.
Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it. 