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did primary voters even google "Clinton"? 
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.
What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.
George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."
I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.
Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.
I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.
Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.
Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If we don't stop socializing to slow the Coronavirus we need to start thinking about what kind of world will leave behind for Keith Richards. 