Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dammit! I tried, I really tried, but Monday still found me.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Smoke alarms going off. Guess the wife's cooking is done...

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   I went to the poles today.... well, they were stripper poles, but those girls got my vote.

   Looking at those meteorite videos from Chelyabinsk. I have learned Russians have very bad radio stations....

   That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof

   Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!

   To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"

   Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

   If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   did primary voters even google "Clinton"?

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in front of everyone in the grocery store.

   Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.

   When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.