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It's never too early to set something on fire. 
I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.
"Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" – the Working Title of my new Childrens book
Why are those who profess tolerance intolerant of different viewpoints????
A state hghway dept crew reached their jobsite and realized they forgot all the shovels! The foreman radioed the office and informed them of the situation. The suprvsr responded 'Dont worry we'll send the shovels just lean on eachother until they arrive!!
Tomorrow can be just another day or it could be the first day of the rest of your life. Change happens by choice not coincidence.
The tupac hologram at coachella was so realistic, it's already not paying child support for two children
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I'll settle for some bacon.
Let me wipe those tears away with my boobies.
PRO PARENTING TIP: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest... .2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's ten... 3. When he asks you about the picture, stare silently into the ceiling for 10 min. then make chirping noise
My cats can't drive. But, that doesn't stop me from sending them to the store for more booze.
I play with my hair because I have no balls.
Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.
A good relationship is not without struggle – it's knowing how to struggle.
I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.
Any bathroom without toilet paper is a panic room.
I come from a long line of impatient customers.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.
Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.
With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.
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