Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Mr Patel kicked me out of Dunkin donuts for telling customers the healthiest part of a donut was the hole.

   Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are

   I learned no matter how much your friends pressure you, you must never snort lines of curry powder.

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.

   I sometimes wonder why I'm 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.

   I find that a ducks opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!

   I can turn wine into sex.

   I used to love when my parents left little notes in my lunch box when I was a kid, like "Get an A or don't bother coming home".

   wore my mistletoe belt buckle out last night. Met a girl with a mistletoe belly button piercing.. Wedding is next month."

   Sometimes when I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.

   Guys.... women pay attention to how you text. You think they don't notice someone who can move their fingers fast?

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   it sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice all over your fries..

   Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.

   "No one will know about your small pen*s if your ex girlfriends are all dead" is the only relationship advice I've given in the past 5 years

   When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'

   I don't know what the big deal is about Cinco De Mayo, Heck my Grandma can beat the French

   your outfit makes you look like a stripper. A high end stripper for governors and athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.

   Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?