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It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco. 
A smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets depressed. A very smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets rich.
does the name Pavlov ring any bells?
North Korea is retiring all size 3 women's shoes and size 87 sunglasses in honor of Kim Jong Il's death.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example
thinking about how I'm going to pop the question and I think I'm going to do it in a simple manner and ask with a straight face "So hunny...what's for dinner?"
Ladies: If I hit on you please don't panic, I am a bachelor and that's what bachelors do.
Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman Priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"
Wife playing Words With Friends: "How is SLUT not a word?"
Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.
Oh, your boyfriend has swag? That`ll pay your bills in 10 years.
I changed my last name on Facebook to "dis", so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post.
I hate when I go to the break room and get held in a hostage conversation.
Fonzie never wore a safety harness jumping the 14 garbage cans in front of Arnold's or jumping the shark tank. Don't be a Potsie Wallenda, ditch the harness..
Slut: *Facebook status* describe me with a commercial slogan <3 Me: So easy a caveman could do it.
I wish farting was a form of expression.
Women have a problem for every solution.
Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.
It really sucks seeing a profile pic of two girls and the hot one is always someone else.
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