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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird 
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.
Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?
My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.
You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.
Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.
A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.
Don't change to get people to like you. Be your self and they will respect you.
The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.
Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same
It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead
The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)
As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
How TF is Easter, April Fools, and Rent Due all on the same day?!
You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget.
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