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If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing. 
The most unrealistic part of The Harry Potter books is that teenage boys have an invisibility cloak but aren’t constantly using it to watch the girls of Hogwarts when they are naked in the showers.
Had the fencing guys out working today putting up a Chain-link fence. Lets see them mosquitoes get in the yard now .
In an effort to be sensitive to the current atmosphere. Wild Cherry has changed the name of their 1970's hit to simply "Play us an upbeat song Cracker".
Nobody: Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people
"Name 1 thing you want to try in the bedroom" Her: "Getting a full 8hrs of sleep"
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.
Diet Journal, day 99: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs...
I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.
*God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season
Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.
I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.
I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.
Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns.
Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .
♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫ 