Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Whats the best drug to have sex on? BIRTH CONTROL

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite flavor of coffee creamer and also my rap name.....

   COPD is deadly and no one likes dealing with it, whether you are referring to Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, or the Commission On Presidential Debates.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"

   Looking for a vegan alternative to cauliflower.

   Everyone has that one friend who goes on and on about how good roasted pumpkin seeds are. You know, the liar friend.

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.

   I haven't failed, I just found several ways it won't work.

   If you didn't participate in the 10 year challenge. Then you have a PhD in maturity

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".

   Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one year bad luck." Mirror: "Are you kidding, break me you get seven years bad luck." Condom: Ha ha ha, and walks away.

   My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.

   I'm too old to be uncomfortable on purpose.