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I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream. 
Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew
Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.
I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"
I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.
What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.
If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.
Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?
What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?
Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.
Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*
I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...
Little known fact: BILL NYE is short for William New Years Eve
Some sad news to report on the second day of the new year....Our Hamster, Louie passed this morning, he fell asleep at the wheel
"The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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