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When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand. 
Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees
Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!
Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.
Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
Chances are ladies, that if you're holding an acoustic guitar in your profile pic, I'm not accepting your friend request.
Whenever I see a post that only says "I can't" or "I can't even" I assume the person drove off a cliff and the rest of the post was supposed to say "write a complete sentence."
This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action...
Today my virtually 3 year old daughter can unlock a mobile phone, open and close apps all by herself, at that age I ate sand !
Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.
I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.
Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
. Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.
If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.
I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream. 