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ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees 
Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!
Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.
Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
My dog and I have the same schedule: 6 AM: Wake up 7 AM: Eat breakfast 8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn 9 AM: Play 10 AM: Nap
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays. I think about that a lot.
I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...
A Match(.com), but for socks.
It's really ironic that usually when I have to show my driver's license it's to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!
Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father.
I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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