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"Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" Yeah? "So is a grenade!" 
Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open
Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world. Work it out amongst yourselves.
I'm hungry, and the only thing around is this guys face next to me.
if you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live...
Be my guest, rain on my parade, I have the biggest umbrella you have ever seen!
Never judge a book by its cover, UNLESS the word Twilight is written on it... then you know it's s$it.
Tired? Cranky ? Feeling like crap .....There's a nap for that .
My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course".
If you keep allowing yourself to be used as a doormat, don't complain when you're thrown away for new one once you get worn out.
Just finished a great workout.... curls, lunges, and crunches. Does it matter that it was 12 oz curls, lunging toward a bag of reese's cups, and crunching into cookies?
What's the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet...
I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off.
For all of you wondering what to do with your Pujols Jerseys. Keep them! Buy some red tape and put a line over the 5 like this >$
I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.
Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.
No, go ahead. Have a conversation under my status update with someone that has nothing to do with my status update. I wanted to unfriend some people today anyway and it till make my decision that much easier on who to get rid of.
Announcer: You've been married for 50 years? Do you have any tips for the ones to be married next. Old guy: It helps if your deaf.
That annoying moment when you can't find the long side of the blanket.
Anyone want to be friends with benefits? Like we'll give each other rides to the airport and help each other move but still be just friends.
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