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Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office 
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.
It's so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
10 yr old suspended from school for pointing finger like a gun. Where will this end? If fingers are outlawed, only 10 yr olds will have fingers.
My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction… Boy do I feel like a big jerk.
Dating tip: Never let your girlfriend know you’re good at something you hate doing.
One man's women crush Wednesday is another man's throw back Thursday.
I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think
what I do when I black out is none of my business.
Put eyelashes on your car headlights so everyone knows you're out of your mind.
Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
If Bruce Jenner can win Woman of the Year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby. Giddy up!!!
America is so progressive that 8 years after electing their first black President, it's going to elect it's first orange one. I guess Netflix is right, Orange is the New Black.
Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.
Enters gynecologist's exam room wearing a lab coat and giant foam finger
DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish
"The Carpet Exchange" is not where lesbian swingers meet.
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