Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   “I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook

   Usain Bolt should be an unlockable character on Temple Run.

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   There's only one thing I hate more than lying, skim milk. Which is water thats lying about being milk.

   I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door...on a daily basis.

   You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   Some hot girl just winked at me with both eyes at the same time. It means she finds me twice as attractive right guys?

   how many cupcakes have to die before all these cupcake wars end??

   Father's Day; the most confusing day in a trailer park where chances are your father might also be your older brother.

   Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.

   So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right?

   I really don't mind getting up and going to work every day. It's the part about staying there for 8 hours that I have a problem with.

   Listen here, people trying to figure out a "healthy snack" to give to trick or treaters. You cut that s*** out *right* now.

   only giving out chocolate covered caramel to trick or treaters cause that's how I "Rolo".

   Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...

   I count breathing as exercise.

   Women are motivated when they feelloved,Adored,Cherished...Men are simple. They are motivated when they feel....Women!