Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I have way more eye contact with my computer screen than I do with any humans.

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   Happy Father's Day to all the dads...and whoever's raising T.O.'s kids.

   So, my question has five parts. -Annoying person at a Q&A

   I made a big mistake on my first night in prison. Apparently "I'll toss you for the top bunk" means something different on the inside.

   If Magic Mike isn't a movie about Magic Johnson and Mike Tyson having 'tickle fights' I'm going to be pissed.

   There is nothing worse than when the car in front of you stops at a yellow light and you have to get home to take a dump.

   I did this weird thing once where I almost left the house happy.

   The 3 scariest words your girlfriend can ever say to you... "notice anything different?"

   I want to sleep but my mind keeps talking to itself.

   Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.

   Yeah let's clone some sheep cause dinosaurs would be too awesome." - Scientists.

   It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper

   I hope they have Facebook in heaven...

   Kissing burns 58 calories an hour.

   Forget health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

   Mash the great here to save the day again! Thanks man.

   Somewhere-In-The-Hood: There's a dog roaming free, no leash, no owner.

   I've come to realize I have very few friends at work. I have acquaintances, and approximately half of them will sell you out in a heartbeat.