Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It's like these bottles of liquor don't even remember me from last night.

   Avoid arguments about the toilet seat....use the sink....

   Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really....

   When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

   Although I love food, I don't consider myself to be a "Foodie." I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

   if you're a tailor and your shop's name isn't "Britches get stitches" then what's the point?

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.

   Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have little or no coverage.

   It's always a great day when you wake up on the right side of the grass

   Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

   Making car payments is the lease of my worries.

   FACT - For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

   I teach a graduate course at a local college, "Plans and How To Get Out of Them"

   It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.

   If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your wicked lifestyle.

   When I have a family-sized bag of chips I think to myself, 'these chips are the only family I need.' Then I proceed to eat the whole bag.

   If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

   .... In today's world "Common Sense" has become so rare it's now considered a Super Power.