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When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos. 
In hindsight life was better when we could only take 12, 24 or 36 pictures at a time and we paid to print them. Even if doubles WERE free.
The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're crazy.
Sometimes I think I'm ready to teach meditation but other times someone honks at me and I scream death threats.
Pharmacies are like arcades for the elderly.
No one looks cool waiting for a guy to make them a balloon animal.
Today concerns where raised when a glory hole was found in a public toilet. Immediately the Police were called and they are now looking into it.
North Korea only has 28 websites. Even worse, the list includes MySpace & 27 Kim Jong-un fan pages.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin....no matter how epic it is.
Only recently found out that those fold out tables in the men's restrooms are for changing babies and not for napping.
Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.
Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick.
For Halloween I'm going to be emotionally stable, no one's gonna know its me.
I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .
If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.
I want to reincarnated as a seagull that flies around theme parks, stealing churros that are absentmindedly being held by toddlers.
Recently learned that it's impossible to make eye contact with a hotel maid while giving her used hand towels.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Sushi's just never quite as good re-heated the next day. 