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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips. 
Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
"The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly
I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?
My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.
I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.
Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....
I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.
My minds wanders a lot. Fortunately, it's too weak to go very far.
They are driven to do what they do and no new law will stop them. 