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The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs. 
What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.
Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?
Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....
A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.
I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.
You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.
Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.
This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".
I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Spent too much money over Christmas so tonight I'm going to party like its $19.99
A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.
Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.
I'm such a procrastinator, I'm just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.
Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool. 