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Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you. 
I think its safe to say.. We all have that one co-worker that doesnt know when to STFU!
my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...
Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!
My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!
People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him
Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!
Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.
God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.
.... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.
Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?
English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.
I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.
Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.
Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas 