Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ran my first 10K this morning. Just kidding, I'm on my third donut

   I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

   I bet Snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.

   The one thing they never warn you about, but really should.. is that when you get older, cramp during masturbation is a very real danger.

   .... All I ever want is to make you smile ..... Well, That ..... and maybe some bacon ..

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.

   Twitter is the gym membership of the internet

   Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?

   If you say Snoop Dogg's name three times in the mirror, your weed will disappear.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

   If there is anything to learn from celebrities is. Do not take nude photos of yourself. The FBI had better things to do. . .

   When I tell you I'm going to shower then head out, be sure to factor in about two hours of me sitting at my computer in a towel.

   Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   If you like keep scaring strangers away, smile for no good reason.

   A grown man should NOT know the names of the members of One Direction.....as I do.

   I feel pretty damn good this morning, I made it 2 hours longer then my last years, New Years Resolution!

   Richard Sherman's girlfriend just dumped him for Malcom Butler.

   I am Dad!!! Hear me sigh loudly as I turn off every light in the house. Again.

   I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.