Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   Why does the Avon lady walk funny. Her lipstick.

   Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!!

   Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(

   I'm on a jet, flying to Europe. "Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked. I go, "What are my choices?". She said, "Yes or no."

   just purchased one of those anti-bullying bracelets to show support, Okay, Fine I didn't buy it. I stole it from a short, fat, little Ginger kid

   New Florida tourism promo: "Need someone killed? Bring them to Orlando. Our jurors understand your predicament!"

   Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.

   Sometimes I feel like only Google understands what I'm trying to say...

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.

   When I give a new girl the tour of my place I like to open the basement door while whispering "thaaats where the maaaagic happens..."

   I have an eating disorder. I'm eating DIS order of wings, DIS order of pizza, and DIS order of ice cream.

   So I just Googled the Ten Commandments.... Wow, I am so screwed......

   I found that my power went out briefly while I was sleeping, So I woke and my coffee was NOT ready and waiting for me. What an utterly horrible way to start the day. I had to wait five minutes, FIVE MINUTES! for my coffee. I feel like a caveman.

   Just took a sh!t in an envelope and sent it to Nicolas Cage. I think it'll be his best script yet.

   When dancing with my demons, should I lead or follow?

   Hey Guys, never chase women. Chase your dreams and women will follow.

   The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH

   You know that feeling when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over? I feel like that ALL the time.

   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.