Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Rip to the driver that died with Paul Walker that no once cares about because he wasn't famous,

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at the black crack neighbors house!

   Moms have "mothers day" Dads have "Fathers day" Lovers have "Valentines day" what do single men have?...Palm Sunday

   This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   baby showers are ridiculas you have un protected sex and now I gota buy you a gift? Ive been having unprotected sex for years all I ever got was hurt feelings

   pretty sure that mother nature has been taken over by an evil step-mother!!!

   needs a divorce from you, Facebook. You're no good for me.

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your kids and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook. Copy this to your status to warn your friends!

   Cross-eyed teacher's can't control their pupils

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   When somebody flips you off, just stick up your whole hand and say, meet the family.

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   I just gave my cat a bath, she actually enjoyed it. it wasn't fun for me though, the fur kept sticking to my tongue

   We usually dislike people who cheat, lie, or rip us off. So why do we knowingly vote for them to manage our country?

   Man said, "Lord... Why did ya make women so dang pretty?" The Lord replied, "So you would like them." Then the man said, "Lord, then why did you make them so dang dumb?" The Lord replied, "So they would like you too."

   not saying that girl I was dancing with at the club was a skank,...but some Febreze and Jesus wouldn't hurt that girl at all!

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I think it's necessary to put you there

   I'm tired of wasting time on people who won't waste any time on me.