Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.

   Shutting the government down is just an excuse from spiteful idiots in congress to get a free paid vacation.

   Turning on someone's seat warmer in the car without them knowing is a good way to have them think they're peeing their pants for a minute.

   The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

   I bet the first person to see a sun set was all like, "well... this ain't good"

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   When you are married, there is no such a thing as a "bad blow job".

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   I am not acting childish and you're just a big doody-head.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way.

   Never date a woman over 35 whose cats are named after fashion designers.

   How many dinosaur remains must we dig up before we understand why they lived underground?

   If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

   I was walking down the street and saw my Arab friend shaking a rug on his porch. I shouted out to him "What's wrong Ahmed, won't start?"

   just found out my mom is the 10th mistress to be linked to Tiger Woods.

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...