Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

   I am only going to say this once. I want the video involving me, the Cadbury Bunny and the marshmallow Peeps returned to me by tomorrow. No questions asked.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in. I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?" "Yes honey." "What is it?" "It's the date of our anniversary." Bltch.

   "He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently."

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   No, you pay with drugs.

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   It's not an eating disorder if you're just trying to fit into your 300 dollar jeans, it's a financial obligation.

   The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard

   Why is anybody sad about Aaron Hernandez killing himself? He is a murderer. It's funny how people act like he's an angel now.

   "The best kinda 'jobs' are under the table." - Bill Clinton

   State Department informed hillary about the email investigation so she could destroy any evidence. She trained and gave weapons to a ISIL to go fight in syria. She thinks Gays are unnatural dirty and nasty. Gay marriage is acceptable to keep their vote

   Never trust a woman who doesn't fart. You don't know what else she might be holding back.

   Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things tht don't matter. BTW, he created Facebook.

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   My house was once haunted by a poltergeist so I walked around naked for a week and it never came back...