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Finally with today's paycheck, I've saved up enough cash to get the "gold" package on my '93 Sentra. 
I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."
Obama was right about North Korean, no need to go to war to remove Dictator Kim Jong .
You say you belong to Jesus but half of your profile pics are X-rated.
This just in... Casey Anthony just got ran over by a reindeer, walking home from the stripclub Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!
My number one New Year's Resolution is: Don't die.
Selfish people end up with no real friends......and they deserve it
Dwayne Wade n Chris Bosh both took cpr classes this summer... just incase Lebron decides to choke again this year.
Ahhh yes! My favourite day of the year, Friday the 13th,, ,, just sharpened my machete and dusted off my goalie mask,, well, off to the lake, see you later!!
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl Alt and Del, so if they f#@k up I can hit them all at once.
I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!
Save money! Plastic christmas tree...plastic valentine roses.
Just because you have tattoos all over your body doesn't mean you look buff with your shirt off..
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Whatever you do DO NOT look the bell ringers in the eye's...
How come some people always think they have to have the last text?
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Facebook: helping people stay in touch with their exs they shouldn't be staying in touch with, one break up at a time.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Dear Mr. Ice Cream man: Please change your song.. That sh!t was played out in the 80's
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