Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This Planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door been laying outside for 3 days now.

   Dear Santa, Please bring world peace, a cure to cancer, fix the financial crisis............ and please find, and land your sleigh on Casey Anthony's head. That's all...

   I love Pandas, they`re so chill. They`re like "Dude, racism is stupid. I`m White, Black, and Asian..."

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. starts brushing teeth

   Snookie is so small and orange she works part time as a highway traffic cone!

   Sarah Palin has filed to have her name trademarked and will eventually become Sarah Palin ®. That is, unless she quits halfway through the paperwork.

   ~ Proud to be the winner of the sperm race ~

   Quite certain that my cat, as he lies here “purring” beside me, is plotting ways to kill me in my sleep. Or at least a clever plot that will ultimately end up in me finding a turd in my shoe in the morning.

   The other day, I read something that made me piss myself. It was a sign, it said "Toilets closed."

   A lot of my friends and relatives are getting married, I don't go all out on gifts anymore after my marriage, I just buy them all the same thing, a label machine- and with it a card that says in two years you will thank me…

   DADDY isn't defined as the man who makes the child, but rather the man who extends his hands and time to help with the child's needs, raising and giving his heart to love the child through anything. !!! BLOOD Doesn't always make you a DADDY! Being a DADDY

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   I also think Facebook should change “Friends” to “People with whom I have made eye contact”.

   Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.

   Predict how many offseason NFL injuries will there be. Come on, take a stab at it.

   Never trust a dog to watch your food.

   Games Nursing Staff HATE playing on at a Nursing Home: 5) Ollie, Ollie Ijustpeed 4) Guess what's on My Shoe 3) Here we go Loopty Poo 2)Red Light, Green Light: A Game of Incontinence Care 1) Follow the Leaker

   When work gets monotonous I go for a long sit down potty Break. Then I can honestly say to my boss "Hey! I'm one of the few people who actually gives a sh*t around here!"

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"