Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If global warming gets any worse we're all going to freeze to death!

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, "Sank you" So I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.

   If there are two lanes, the left one is the fast lane. If you are being passed on the right, you are a jerk.

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

   doesn't have a beer belly. What I have is a fuel tank for a sex machine......

   Unless you're a steaming hot girl, most people don't really care how your day went. If it doesn't relate to them, then they don't wanna read about it. A friendly Facebook reminder of the STFU Association.

   just broken down and listened to a song by Justin Beiber. I've got the phone on vibrate for the rest of the day since I just stabbed both ears repeatedly with a ball point pen.

   All sluts should come with an easy button on their forehead.

   frustrated that he knows all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask him the questions.

   63 notifications later..i regret "liking" your status

   says This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our..."

   Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you're doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!

   How do you know if someone is Vegan?? Don't worry, they'll effin tell you

   What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

   I hate it when the cashier asks me a stupid question like. "Are you buying all of these?", "No B!@tch!!, I'm stealing, just wanted to show you first!"

   Are you kidding me? I hope Madonna has a wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl halftime show. I know it sounds sick, but I'd like to see her dong.

   Don't make decisions when your angry or horny =P