Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night

   Hockey still exists? Yeah right... next you're gonna tell me MTV plays music videos.

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.

   i have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. all he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary

   Some DJ keeps calling my phone and leaving me mixed messages.

   Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree

   Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.

   They should show the premiere of "Battleship" on Rihanna's forehead.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   Ladies, if you are wearing an excessively short skirt this summer, please do everybody a favor and shave. And I am not talking about legs.

   U.S. television game show host Alex Trebek is recovering from a mild heart attack he suffered on Saturday, but not worry his life is not in Jeopardy.

   I'm 38 and I have no clue what AM or PM stands for. Nice job, public school system!

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"

   How many singers have sung "The Wind Beneath My Wings" and the general public still doesn't understand it's the wind over your wings that gives you lift. Wind beneath your wings causes a stall. That changes the whole meaning of the song!

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   "Stupid Left Shark takes one misstep during a Super Bowl and now he is famous " - Right Shark(-_-)

   You seen one solar eclipse, you seen em all. If you want, I can show you a full moon any day of the week though. . .

   I would have thought that Tiger would have waited until later in the back nine to pretend he was hurt, but golf is unpredictable sometimes.