Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"

   How many times do I have to roll my eyes to burn any calories?

   stopping by the Wachovia bank yesterday to exchange money. The teller asked me to fix all the bills to face the same way and straight 'em out while chit-chatted with her co-worker. WTF was her job description say?

   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Amy Winehouse is 27 today...her liver is lookin like 63

   I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I'll say next.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   if you want to fight with you wife/husband, replace Oxygen with Helium and try to keep a straight face...

   Semi-colons don't get enough credit. They should be re-branded as super-commas...

   Dear Patron, now that you helped me gain my confidence, can you please help me find my car?

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   always relates everything he does with sports even when he's not watching or playing sports, well if anyone wants to know the score for today's game it was the Lawnmowers 42, Frogs 0."

   Researchers at the university of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. They were able to do this after watching only one episode of "Jersey Shore".

   Happy fathers day to all you dads out there. ADVICE: Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. :)

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   going to have to start following my brain. Clearly, my heart is an idiot.

   Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway.

   Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway