Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to grocery stores...How can I be sure this Fifth of Scotch is worth the $10 without a quick chug?!?

   in an ideal world, olivia wilde is googling for pictures of me naked

   If you feel like the world is passing you by, you must be obeying the speed limit.

   I imagine hell to be a room full of drunk guys wanting to tell you about their fantasy football team...

   Tom Cruise can climb down off Oprah's lounge now and crawl back into his closet.

   Hey, guess what! No one cares. Stew in your own sh*tty mess that you made for yourself. And also have a nice day.

   I haven't yet met someone who shares my idea of what love really is.

   Live this day as if it is your last...And if it turns out it isn't, make many apologies tomorrow.

   America, happy birthday! I hope you do something fun and get lots of happy birthday wishes on your wall!

   Rule #24: If you lie, don't get mad when you are called a liar!

   Girlfriend wanted to go skinny dipping. I said your not skinny enough to be dipping. And that's how the fight started.

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches/psychics.

   I hate when ppl say near miss, shouldnt it be a near hit?

   If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?

   What would it take to bring back fat Al Roker? I feel like we were a better America then.

   Government is trying to control all we do. This is still America correct? I would prefer them not being able to decided for me what websites they feel are "Not good for me mentally or physically"!! LET US LIVE FREE AGAIN CONGRESS, its what are loved ones

   Mondays aren't so bad....its my job that sucks a**