Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"

   My business card is just a piece of toast.

   Remember when Vanilla Ice said "anything less than the best is a felony?" Its because nothing rhymes with "breaking and entering misdemeanor"

   - What should we name this creature with big feet? "Bigfoot". - And what about this tiger with saber teeth? "Saber tooth tiger". - How about this beaver duck? "Platypus"

   Happy day after St. Patrick's day...also known as untagging yourself from photos day.

   Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

   Just walked into Walmart with a haircut I didn't do myself and they just made me their king.

   Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

   If you decide to walk a mile in my shoes, it will likely just be a mile of circles looking for the remote.

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   The US government to China: "We'll pay you back, we promise. Just as soon as we're done dividing by zero."

   I'm beginning to think its better to be wrong and stupid than right and miserable.

   There are way too many people in this relationship.

   Like a good neighbor.... Drive by & wave. Do NOT stop to talk.

   Anything that involves official documents is a small portion of hell.

   Tonight I think I'll start with beer then switch to vodka to maintain a well balanced depression.

   Memory.....Second shortest thing I have.

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.