Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   wishes I would have got a new cell phone from Santa this year.. This rotary texting is really a drag.

   Where is the “good” in goodbye?

   on itunes below "Party in the USA" by Miley Cryus, it said "Listeners who bought this also enjoyed, 'Sounds of People Farting into a Mic."

   wondering why Band*Aid doesnt make ethnically colored bandages

   workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.

   Gave a hot guy at the bar a high five, came back over to my friends and said yeah....I hit that.

   At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

   can hit the snooze button, with eyes closed, while half asleep, in 1.7 seconds, the first try, every time

   The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.

   attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.

   It really shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby. Everyone knows that the proof is in the pudding!

   Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury

   I hear Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult are planning a reunion. They're going to call it the White and Gold Tour.

   I'm so in debt, I could start a government!

   They say drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette takes 6 minutes off your life. By my calculations I died in 1985...... Cheers!!

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.