Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So today was the first day of Obamacare and all the Dr offices were closed...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   DO NOT TEXT ME WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING I’m not trying to be the last unfinished message they find when your as% is wrapped around a tree.

   Jesus take the wheel, I'm updating my status.

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   A Real Boyfriend will make sure he wears protection when Cheating.

   Can I get 10,000 "Likes" for God is awesome?

   I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.

   You can grab my ass and my hair but don't EVER grab my arm and tell me to listen...

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   When I was younger I use to slide bak and forth in the bathtub to make waves

   NAMES: I bet you 10 times out of 10, guys with names like Ricky, Vinnie. Tony, Eddie will beat the sh*t out of guys with names like Kyle, Blaine, Brent, Cecil

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you picked up a little Mexícan girl and screamed, 'DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!'" @____@

   I want all my Facebook friends to comment on this status, sharing how you met me. But, I want you to LIE. That's right, just make it up. After you commentf, copy and paste to your wall so I can do the same. I bet HALF won't read the instructions right.

   twinkle twinkle little snitch...mind your own business you nosey b!tch

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish and lipstick off my ball$.

   "I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies

   I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me poop, and you can't really put a price on that.