Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason.

   My parents didn't ever actually teach me how to be an adult. The only things I learned were to hoard plastic bags within plastic bags and that whenever there is a person in your house you feed them.

   I'm not a morning person, heck I'm not an afternoon person either, I pretty much start fuctioning at about 6 pm.

   Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."

   You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

   Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.

   Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.

   My patience is wearing thin. And by "wearing thin" I mean you are one smart-ass comment away from being slapped so hard, Google won't be able to find you....

   My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues, perhaps it's time to install that security alarm.

   Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!

   I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

   Yawning is just a silent scream for coffee

   At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.

   Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.

   Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

   You have a better chance of running into a Bigfoot than an honest Politician!

   When someone accuses me of having too many items in the "15 items or less" line, I tell them I'm dyslexic and then they feel bad.

   Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.